At some point in our lives, we have all faced the challenge of feeling unfulfilled, of realizing that something (even if it’s just a little something) is missing from our lives. This is just a part of human nature; in the end, we’re responsible for what we choose to take from our experiences, and it is how we handle the situations that can better us–or embitter us–but, ultimately, they make us who we are as people, and sometimes, we even learn something about ourselves (and maybe even our life partners and relationships) along the way.
Coping with the inability to nurse is a difficult thing for many people, particularly if they define their desire as a need. So, what do we do when faced with this problem? We can turn to another to fulfill us (and some people do; studies show that approximately 4 to 5 percent of the population is now involved in polyamorous relationships), or redefine our ideas, work to build intimacy in our pre-existing relationship, and allow ourselves to rediscover the magic of monogamy.
In this open and honest letter, a man named Kevin discusses his experience with adult nursing–and the inability to suckle from his wife–and what he discovered from the experience.
The Loving Milk Maid
Dear Loving Milk Maid,
I have been married for 22 years. I would consider myself “happily married”. My wife and I have 4 kids. I realized how much I wanted to nurse when she decided to breastfeed our youngest son 11 years ago. This was a first, she did not breastfeed our older three, and I had the chance to nurse by accident one night during sex. I loved it. She did not. As a matter of fact, the episode upset her so much that I couldn’t tell her how much it excited me. She didn’t want to talk about what “I had done to her”. She pretty much just pretended that it hadn’t happened at all.
After that night, I thought about breastfeeding a lot. I couldn’t even watch her feed our son because it irritated me. I started to see my wife as selfish. I fantasized about breastfeeding and couldn’t just stop wanting it. It was causing a lot of problems in our marriage, so I decided to tell her how I was feeling, what I wanted, and she got angry. I guess we just saw nursing as two very different things.
I found a couple of AN sites online and made some friends. A couple of women offered to nurse me. After talking to one of them for a while, we found out that we don’t live far from each other. Real time nursing was going to be a possibility, and she was more than willing to help me out. The woman was nice, there was no real physical attraction, but the idea of having the chance to suckle was exciting. I admit, I considered doing it. I even started making plans to meet her, but my wife stopped me.
Not physically, because she didn’t know, but mentally, I guess. I saw her with our son. I started to think of everything we’d been through, and I realized that I don’t want to nurse from just anyone. I want to nurse with my wife.
I consider our marriage good. I love my wife. I found out that nursing is something that I can’t do outside of my marriage. I still want to, but I made a commitment to my wife a long time ago, and I wouldn’t intentionally hurt her. It took me a while, but I learned that I would rather have my wife, even without nursing, than nursing without her.
I haven’t mentioned this to her in a while, but someday, I’m going to. Right now, I’m learning to live without breastfeeding and it isn’t easy, but I have to because she can’t give me the one thing I want. I know that it may never be a part of our life, and I know that I’ll have to be okay with that. She gives me everything else, so I can’t really complain.
Thanks for taking the time to read this, and for all you’re doing! I don’t know if this letter will help anyone else, but you can use it on your blog if you want to.